The Most Powerful Lesson in Opening My Heart

I almost never thought the day would come when I would share my story. There was so much shame and guilt wrapped around this entire encounter that I refrained from speaking of this hurt to even my closest family members.

I was initially invited to join circle by a beautiful soul sister, and when I felt into the energy, I was an immediate No. She was super into it but I just didn’t want to mix a dear sister with the risk of losing so much money. It wasn’t worth it to me. I kept receiving invitations online from sisters, and declining. Until, a couple months later I was traveling across the country, on my last bit of savings and got a call from N. I was so thrilled to speak to this radiant sister (who, by the way, I had only met in online encounters). Her sweet voice and words of empowerment, love, and abundance lured me in. She told me not to speak of circle to any men though. RED flag #1! I should have immediately known that if I couldn’t speak to my friends and family about it, I probably shouldn’t have been doing it.

But I was resistant. I wanted to empower myself and be a part of a circle geared towards spiritual growth. I thought about how wonderful it would be to simply manifest 40,000 in a poof! Was it really possible? She spoke of this as a circle of women redefining reality, manifesting abundance, and working through any blockages to get there. To put it simply, this was a freakin’ EGO party. But my ego was hooked. (ha) And with daily persuasion, (love notes) she finally got me to gift her over $5,000.

I felt good…until I was actually on the call. Circle just didn’t work with my lifestyle. I am a traveler, and live in the moment. Having a scheduled call every week, when I didn’t even have cell reception made no sense to my life! It felt like school. Bad school. It didn’t empower me, didn’t make me feel good, because I could feel where the others were coming from. They were in it for the money. Yeah, there were some true sisters in there, but it just didn’t feel right to me. My soul said NO! I became sick to my stomach. I didn’t know what to do. What had I done???

So after many sleepless nights I finally decided to call N and tell her circle just wasn’t right for me. I was barely in circle for a month and my soul was screaming! It was so hard to get out. They wanted me to stay. But circle was wreaking havoc in my daily life, my relationships, and my overall wellbeing. Those weekly calls to ‘check up’ made me uncomfortable, as if I had to lure other sisters in. I just couldn’t do it! How could I invite a sacred sister of mine into something that I didn’t even feel to the depths of my being!

I thought that when I left circle my gift would be returned by the sister who invited me to gift in. She was still in ‘dessert’ position, and well, she invited me! Oh, but no, that was not the case. She held onto it with her shiny golden ring embossed grip! So, with no funds in my pocket, I took off with my beloved to the jungles of Hawaii. I mean, I had already lost everything… I thought, what more do I have to lose?

For four months we lived off of food stamps deep in the jungles, with a tribe of family, living off the land, drinking the pure waters, ‘unlearning’ so to speak. I felt so crushed by the internet world, as well as by my sisters. The modern world just crumbled before me. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone anymore. I no longer wanted to build a website of empowerment & awakening, to pursue my design dreams…no, everything: crushed. All my dreams I had for the year vanished, and all I could do was mend my broken heart.

I felt so much anger, hatred, rage from the core of my being! While I was practically homeless, the sister I gifted to was living a lush LA lifestyle, seemingly thriving….

I was hurt. Felt totally used. My relationship was seeing some of the most rocky points. I found it interesting that the story N told me about circle, related back to the 1900’s when women in abusive relationships would join circle to help each other empower themselves and move on! But what about me? I joined circle for this same sisterly support & empowerment, yet I was left with nothing. And when my partner and I’s fights turned violent, I felt even MORE stuck, abused, and chained in than I had before I joined.

I knew I had to heal this. These deep and dark emotions swelled within me, and yet, I just couldn’t and wouldn’t allow myself to act out of anger and fear. I thought about reporting this to the law. Mischevious dark thoughts floated through my mind about calling the Popo about getting the sisters in trouble. Sure, I could do that. But would it really make me feel like a better person?

I learned THE MOST POWERFUL LESSON IN OPENING MY HEART.

I had nothing. But I had a tiny tiny kindling spark of love still burning within my heart. I had no home, but with my partners reminding & guiding, I learned that the EARTH is my home.

I have since spoken with the sister I gifted to. She has also left circle. She was in dessert position and the only gift she received was mine. I asked her to return half and to keep the other half.

We spoke the other day, both with tears in our eyes, amazed at how gracefully we handled the situation. While I could have lashed out at her a while back and she could have done the same, we treated each other with love and kindness throughout the entire encounter. The dark feelings I had were to be addressed and healed within me, and in doing so, I was able to see beyond the monetary dollar into what is truly important. Into what is eternal. I knew that she is my sister, as are all women, and I couldn’t treat her in any way other than love, despite those menacing thoughts that plauged my mind for quite some time!

Although I haven’t seen a drop of the gift I sent out come back my way, I trust that it will come in divine timing. And if not…well…I let it go. It’s not in my hands anymore. I’m leaving it up to her to do the right thing and balance out this energy exchange. It’s been a year since I joined circle and I learned some really very powerful lessons.

I feel much stronger in who I am, in my business and personal encounters, and I am much more discerning about ANYTHING I give my energy to (in whatever form it takes).

What I learned? THERE is SO MUCH more beauty to this world than money can buy! The true riches are in the land, in the soil, in our Mama Gaia. I have some powerful missions before me and I look at this love revolution with eyes of excitement and joy! I do not feel impoverished or any less than because my bank account has a few less zeros.

If anything, this has been my testament to the Universe to my true alignment with Spirit Source All That is, beyond the illusory dollar.

Really, lets not weave sacred spirit sisters and family into these money powered schemes! True empowerment circles shall form, without the dollar feeding them. We shall share our gifts freely, empowering each other as WOMEN to step up, shine, and share the true *eternal* riches that reside within these precious vessels!

To all of my sisters out there, you are loved. Supported. Eternally. It may not come in the form of these societal circles, because it comes from within. The magic is yours. It’s up to us to own it and live it.

Never again will I be so blindly trusting in any outside force. Maybe it was my year to truly grow up. Learn some powerful adult lessons. One thing is certain, I am forever changed by this.